i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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