Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
