Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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