I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
