I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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