I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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