I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
