he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
