we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
