When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
