I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
