no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
