I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
