You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
