I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
