i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
