You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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