I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
