the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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