Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
