I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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