Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
