I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
