I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
