Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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