I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
