I can tuck mytits in my pants
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
