i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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