Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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