The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
