I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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