Yo dont text me then not text me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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