If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
