I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
