i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
