jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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