I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
