your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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