I just saw a hot homeless man
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
