my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
