I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
