Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
