I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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