Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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