An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
