matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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