exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
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my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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