ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
