I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
