While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
