toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what day is it and did you see me today?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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