I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
