I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
