I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
