I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
