my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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