The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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