The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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