If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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